LEARNING SELF-DESPAIR
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Life is a matter of first dying. Jesus described life as a seed whose outer layer must first die so that it could germinate:
∑ And Jesus answered them, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. (John 12:23-25)
If we truly love our lives, we will put to death our grasping for immediate gratification and self-satisfaction in favor of an eternal harvest. But how?
For some of us, the most painful we might ever experience is seeing ourselves as we really are, and it’s not very pretty. We are so obsessed about our honor and esteem that we will kill to defend it.
Paul also had to learn the painful lesson of self-despair. It was so painful that he despaired even of life:
∑ For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)
Self-trust is not our armor but our ball-and-chain, the weight that holds us captive. Paul understood that he would first have to die to himself before he could live for God. He had to despair of himself before he could learn to trust in God. The more we trust in ourselves, the less we will trust in God or even turn to Him in prayer. Why even bother, if we are convinced that we can handle life on our own.
However, self-despair has to enter into the deepest crevices of our heart to challenge our false convictions of adequacy and worthiness. We have to learn that without God we are nothing (Galatians 6:3; 1 Corinthians 3:7; John 15:4-5). We cannot achieve any moral merit, worthiness, or entitlement. Instead, we are utterly bankrupt and without hope without Christ, deserving one thing only – death (Romans 6:23). Therefore, self-confidence before God is self-deception. Paul had to learn that he could not trust in himself at all:
∑ For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh. (Philippians 3:3)
Before Christ, Paul had trusted in his righteousness, his goodness, and worthiness according to the external standard of the law. However, he learned that he could not trust in both Christ and his own merit. Therefore, he rejected every “attainment” which had promised to give him the assurance that he was worthy of God:
∑ …I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith. (Philippians 3:8-9)
This does not mean that our education, upbringing, and moral habits are all worthless. These can be good things, but they cannot be the source of trusting in our worthiness before God. Before Him, our righteousness is no more than filthy rags.
It took me years to learn this lesson. Even during the first several years that I taught at the New York School of the Bible, I was still trusting in myself. As a result, on a number of occasions, I almost handed in my resignation. While I was trying to prove my worthiness to teach Scripture before God, it was becoming increasingly apparent that I really wasn’t worthy or even spiritual enough to teach. Satan continued to remind me that my faith, love, and joy were far from adequate. Consequently, as I taught, I felt like a charlatan and a fraud. I was supposed to be a role model, but my many deficiencies were yelling “liar.”
However, taking baby steps, I was beginning to accept the truth of my unworthiness. This was only possibility in the light of my Savior’s assurances that He had regarded me as righteous and beloved. He forgave and cleansed me whenever I confessed my sins (1 John 1:9). What great freedom I had been granted!
However, taking baby steps, I was beginning to accept the truth of my unworthiness. This was only possibility in the light of my Savior’s assurances that He had regarded me as righteous and beloved. He forgave and cleansed me whenever I confessed my sins (1 John 1:9). What great freedom I had been granted!
Where our treasure is, so will our heart be. If our treasure is about self-trust, our attention will be focused obsessively on ourselves. Instead, liberation from this obsession occurs if God is our hope.
There are so many blessings in accepting our unworthiness. For one thing, whenever Satan accused me of my unworthiness to serve God, I could say, “You are right, Satan. But the fact of my unworthiness makes me so grateful for my Savior who has forgiven and cleansed me to serve Him. I can now stand against your attacks because I am convinced that it’s not about my own worthiness but about my Savior who has called me.” He is my hope; I no longer need to hope in myself. The battle to believe in ourselves is one we no longer have to wage. It has already been waged and decisively won at the Cross.
It is gratefulness that drives me on. However, I would not be grateful unless I had come to learn how “poor in spirit” and undeserving I really am. A prostitute had braved her way into an exclusive dinner, where Jesus was reclining at the table. The Pharisees were disgusted as they watched her crying over her Savior’s feet and washing them with her hair. However, Jesus confronted their settled conviction of their own superiority:
∑ “…Her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” (Luke 7:47)
The Pharisees didn’t love because they had not been forgiven and had little awareness that they even needed forgiveness just as much as the prostitute needed it. Their seed hadn’t yet fallen to the ground and died a painful death. They were filled with themselves, and, therefore, had little room available for God (John 5:45-47). However,
∑ Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)
To be freed from self-concern and self-enhancement is truly freedom.
